Dear Hildegarde: Your Questions Answered

Dear Hildegarde,

My mother lives in my town and is over at my house visiting, probably two to three times a week. Every time she comes over, she is always thumbing through my things, like my mail, magazines, or my caller ID box. She is so nosy--I don't know how tell her to not do that without hurting her feelings. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Afraid to Confront

Dear Afraid to Confront,

My, that is an ordeal! It is difficult when one must confront someone who is a family member, especially one who is older. First, know dear reader, that you are correct in stating that these habits of your mother are "nosy". It is most rude to review the possessions of others, whether it be someone's mail or bills, reading a letter intended for another, or looking at the stamp underneath someone's china to discover the pattern. These gross actions happen daily, I am afraid, and there must be something done about it. Here are some recommendations for you as you want to be respectful to your mother when you confront her about these annoying habits:

1. Always approach your mother, or anyone else who is of an overly inquiring mind for that matter, with respect. You do not want the person to feel rejected or angry after you make your requests.
2. Try to confront the person immediately after you see him or her performing the "nosy" action. Just like a pup or a child, it is important to confront immediately as to impart a good lesson. Bring up the situation a day later and you will surely hear, "I have never rifled through your mail!", etc.
3. Ask politely if there is a reason for such an action. If none is given, and surely one that is reasonable will not be, ask the person to come to you directly if he or she has a question about something. For example, if you find your mother rifling through your mail, ask her if she is looking for something specific in the pile and if so, ask her in the future if she wouldn't mind asking you first before doing her own research. Most likely, she will discontinue her behavior due to mild embarrassment. There is no valid reason (other than one's personal insecurities) for someone to go through someone else's mail, drawers, caller ID box list, etc. other than sheer curiosity and nosiness. Even if the person is your own sister and she is only looking for a magazine or other reading material for a rainy day, she should still come to you first to ask your permission to look through your magazines, catalogs, etc.
4. Respect the same for others. My husband and I have been married over 55 years and I have never opened a package or letter with his name on it. It all comes down to common courtesy and respect for others' privacy.

Dear reader, try the above and see it these simple tricks work. If not, the best next step is to prevent the temptation. For example, do not leave your mail or caller ID box within plain view on the kitchen counter. Dispense with mail and other such things in your home office. Keep your china stored away in a china cabinet rather than having it out in plain view. Keep the things that are causing a temptation for your mother out of sight! Remember the old adage, "out of sight, out of mind".

Good luck and please repost with your results!

Until next time...

HF

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