Dear Hildegarde: Your Questions Answered

Dear Mrs. Fillmore,

I went to a ladies' party recently where the hostess flatly refused to let anyone bring anything to help with refreshments . A couple of women brought something anyway. I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do or if it was a bit rude not to follow the hostess' wishes. The evening included all refreshments, including wine, appetizers, salad, dinner and dessert, plus a small party favor gift. All from the hostess single-handedly. It was wonderful (and she has four kids to boot : ) )

Anyway, I wrote her a thank you note the next day, took it to a local florist and had it delivered along with a moderate floral arrangement. It felt really good to send her flowers and a note after the fact (I would not hesitate to do something like this again), but would it be easier just to bring flowers or a bottle of wine with me anyway next time such a circumstance happens?

Sincerely,

Sense of Gratitude

Dear Mrs. Gratitude,

Now I know that you have been regularly reading my column! I dare say that you could probably dole out advice as my assistant! Brava, my dear lady!

To your questions...despite a hostess' outright refusal for her guests to bring anything, most people usually do regardless. It is almost sort of a little game we play in society, unfortunately. You could equate this with being invited to a birthday party for a friend and the hostess states, "no gifts, please", but you would always bring a little something, wouldn't you? Some people like to have their parties a certain way, which is why she may have refused assistance. Anyone bringing a dish, despite the hostess' request, should not feel hurt if her dish is not displayed with the rest. Of course, the best way to handle the situation is as you suggested: bringing flowers or a beverage is just as easy and would not infringe upon her "theme" for refreshments for the event, should she have one. However, sending flowers after the event is equally as correct, as is sending them prior.

I hope this advice has helped you, dear. Although I don't really think that you needed it!

Until next time...

HF

Do you have a question for Mrs. Fillmore? Please send an email to hildegardefillmore@gmail.com.

Dear Hildegarde: Your Questions Answered

Dear Mrs. Fillmore,

Regarding thank you notes - it's my goal in life to write thank you notes is as timely a manner as possible. I've been TERRIBLE about this, but am glad to say my holiday thank yous were out last week (after sitting in my purse a week before that waiting for stamps). What about thank you notes when you have received a gift and given thanks already in person? I believe you cannot express "too much" thanks to anyone, but is a thank you note required in this instance?

Sincerely,
Always Writing

Dear Mrs. Writing,

Thank you so very much for writing in today! I do so like to receive feedback and questions from my readers. Well, it sounds as if you have been heeding my column and are on your way to completing your charm program! I had better ready my calligraphy pen for your graduation certificate, which of course will arrive on engraved papers (NEVER printed - remember that, dear).

Now, in answer to your question, it is most appropriate to follow up with a thank you note even when a gift has been given and thanks received in person, although not required. Consider how you would feel if you received a note of gratitude in the same situation: most likely, you would be pleased and fondly remember the person writing the note. This is what courtesy is all about. Unless you are some sort of stalker, it is unlikely that you would "overthank" someone for a gift.

I hope this has answered your question, dear. Please do come back and let me know what you decided.

Until next time,
HF

Do you have a question for Mrs. Fillmore? Please send an email to hildegardefillmore@hotmail.com.