Dear Hildegarde: Your Questions Answered

Dear Hildegarde,

I went to school in Boston and feel like I have become quite liberated since my enlightenment there. I don't feel like anyone should pull out my chair, open a door for me, etc. I can take care of myself and don't need any man to do these things for me! Why can't men just learn that we are equals and want to be treated with respect?

Sincerely,

NOW Member

Dear NOW Member,

Thank you for your gracious post. It is nice to see that at least you are genuine enough, despite your liberation, to come to me with your question. I am happy to assist you in any way that I can. Now, to the topic at hand. It seems to be that you might be somewhat unsure of your convictions as you are coming to me seeking advice in this area. Any woman (notice I did not say "lady") with same would not bother to come to me at all. I feel, dear reader, that perhaps you are not as far over the fence as you may think. Why is it such a problem when a man wants to offer help with a chair or a door? Such a gracious gesture does not at all detract from your independence (a four letter word in my book), but rather shows that you are worthy enough of respect that a man would take such an action (a gentleman would do these things regardless; I am speaking here of an average man). Dear, haven't you seen the old films depicting a scene where a beautiful woman enters a room, sits down at a table, takes out a cigarette, and then every man in the room rushes over to offer her a "light"? No man hastens a match to an unattractive girl, does he? Why don't you want to be considered a "lady"? There are many a woman in high places in business who act like "ladies" and are treated as such. One can be of an executive level in business and take two routes: behaving like a "woman" or behaving like a "lady". I say, you will earn the respect of your male colleagues much sooner with the latter. "Ladies" make men feel like gentlemen. "Women" make men feel emasculated. Why not take the road less traveled?

My dear husband encounters all sorts of feminist types in New York on a daily basis. He has a phrase he utters, politely of course, to such coarse women who will not accept his gracious actions of opening a door, etc. I chuckle inside whenever I hear it repeated, "I am not opening the door for you because you are a lady, but rather because I am a gentleman." Oh heavens, that gets me every time!

Alas, come over to our side. You will see that a much more pleasant world awaits you, and perhaps one day, one of its gentlemen as well.

Until next time...

HF

Do you have a question for Mrs. Fillmore? Please send an email to hildegardefillmore@hotmail.com.

Charm: Jingle Bells, Only at Christmas, Please

Dear Reader,

I must write to you to-day about something that I heard over the week-end: a woman "jingling"! Have you ever heard of such a thing?! I dare say that none of you ever wants to be the subject of one of my posts, so I pray, dear reader, that you keep current on your loveliness program as not to be made an example of in one of my lessons.

Now to the subject at hand..."jingling". A lady ought not to make any sounds when she moves about. If this means that one must remove "clanky" jewelry from her person, than so be it. A lady ought also to ensure that her shoes, even if they are the latest fashion of the season, do not make noises when she walks. Additionally, if one must carry keys about (usually this would be the task of the husband), by all means, dear reader, get yourself a handbag! Do not clip such items to your belt as you will look like a telephone repair man and will sound like a cat wearing a bell around its neck. I am sure that for some men, it is enticing for a woman to be compared to an animal in regard to her feminine wiles (which is most inappropriate, regardless; a gentleman never compares a lady to an animal); however, being likened to one because of the audibility of one's locomotion is most repulsive. Ladies, please, keep some mystery about you! If you would like to draw attention to yourself (especially that of a potential suitor at that), do so by your charm, grace, and poise, not by the advertisement of your lack thereof.

Until next time...

HF

Dear Hildegarde: Your Questions Answered

Dear Hildegarde,

I live in southern Arizona and the weather here is always warm and sunny. I have a white outfit that I would like to wear to a party and it has white shoes which match. My grandmother told me that it is "improper" to wear white at this time of year. I don't understand--it is basically like Summer here all year round. Why does it matter? Please let me know what to do.

Sincerely,

Wanting White

Dear Wanting White,

I think that it is just lovely that you have such a rapport with your grandmother that you receive advice from her, especially good advice. I must say, dear reader, that your grandmother is correct. White shoes (and accompanying handbags) are NEVER to be worn before Memorial Day or after Labor Day (and certainly NEVER with dark stockings as you will look like a street walker). Those persons of charm and those "in the know" are aware of this rule and follow it to the letter. Even if you feel that you don't travel in such circles, you will certainly look like you do if you conform in this regard. Don't you want to put forward your charming, most attractive self to others? The only exceptions to this rule are if you are participating in a debutante presentation or serving in the capacity of a page at a function of your local State Society or National Society of the Daughters of the American Revolution. Pages are to wear white shoes and gloves with the accompanying white ball gown unless otherwise deemed by the respective meeting's presiding officer. Perhaps this organization might be for you if you enjoy wearing white all year round! One must be directly descended from a man or woman who assisted in achieving American Independence from Britain to be eligible for membership. The invitation to join comes through the local Society. For more information about the DAR, please visit this organization's lovely website: www.dar.org.

Until next time...

HF

Do you have a question for Mrs. Fillmore? Please send an email to hildegardefillmore@hotmail.com

Beauty: Loose Lips Sink Ships

Dear Reader,

My, how I remember that saying during the War, "Loose Lips Sink Ships". All of the men serving our great nation were warned about giving away intelligence information to the "ladies" who would make their acquaintance. Often, these women were spies for the enemy, using their charm and wit to capture information which would lead to a future downfall on the battlegrounds and seas for the red, white, and blue. We won in the end, but it was a difficult journey.

Well, several years have passed and loose lips can still sink ships. To-day, we are talking about gossip. My dearest readers, this topic could fall into the "Charm" category, but I felt it more prudent to include it under "Beauty" since this awful habit can certainly do its best to detract from your beauty and loveliness. I know, especially from the circles in which I travel, gossip is a most tempting savory, one which cures the pangs of hunger for importance and popularity. But I must say this day, no good can come from it. The information which is shared, which is most usually of a negative nature, most often visits its subject, and not usually with grace or a housewarming gift.

Dear reader, part of your loveliness program must include a change from within. One can have the fairest complexion, the loveliest of make-up, and a charming appearance; however, an unlovely personality or demeanor will make all of one's hard work for naught. Please remember, dear reader, that all of your loveliness and charm you are developing is meant to attract others to you and to help you in the popularity department with the ladies and in the marriage department with the gentlemen. Why ruin it all with unkind words about another? My grandmother always said, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." Well, that may make alot of ladies out there silent, but keep your wits about you. Know that the person who is gossiping TO you will be the same person who will be gossiping ABOUT you. Check your address book, dear reader, and keep that eraser handy. Surround yourself with others who will help you keep your loveliness program afloat, from the inside out.

Until next time...

HF

Etiquette: Doggie Bags, Carry Out, and To Go Boxes

Dear Reader,

I hope that you were able to maintain your loveliness lessons this past week despite the fact that I was on vacation in Cuba with my husband. Oh my...Cuba has not changed one bit since I was there 50 years ago. The cars are the same--what a sense of nostalgia when one sees a 1955 Nomad motoring down the boulevard. I had one of those back in my day...red with the white stripe. But, I digress.

To-day we will discuss what to do when one is leaving a restaurant, but wishes to take some food home. The simple answer is: leave the food at the restaurant. My dear, who wants to be seen leaving the finest eateries in Manhattan, all while wearing her mink and pearls, carrying a plastic shopping bag of food! You will simply look like a tramp. I can say that with all of the loveliness training I have to offer, it will all be for naught if one takes this tawdry action. When one takes food home from a restaurant, this is the message she is sending: "I can not afford to eat out at nice restaurants and I have never had food this scrumptious before, so I will take some home with me for later." This is absolutely revolting. Ladies and gentlemen of charm and grace know how to enjoy food at table and then to leave it when the meal has finished. You would not ask your hostess at a dinner party to bring home some of her leftovers for yourself, so why is a restaurant excursion any different? If the edibles you have experienced out are that divine, then go back for another meal at a later date; do not bring the experience home with you. If you have ordered too much food and feel you are being "wasteful", let that be a lesson to you and order less the next time. Do not be seen walking on the street with leftovers. What will you do if you have opera tickets? Bring your leftovers into the theater? My my...

As for canines, they know no different. Buy a box of dog shortbread and he will be just as happy.

Until next time...

HF

Dear Hildegarde: Your Questions Answered

Dear Hildegarde,

My mother lives in my town and is over at my house visiting, probably two to three times a week. Every time she comes over, she is always thumbing through my things, like my mail, magazines, or my caller ID box. She is so nosy--I don't know how tell her to not do that without hurting her feelings. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Afraid to Confront

Dear Afraid to Confront,

My, that is an ordeal! It is difficult when one must confront someone who is a family member, especially one who is older. First, know dear reader, that you are correct in stating that these habits of your mother are "nosy". It is most rude to review the possessions of others, whether it be someone's mail or bills, reading a letter intended for another, or looking at the stamp underneath someone's china to discover the pattern. These gross actions happen daily, I am afraid, and there must be something done about it. Here are some recommendations for you as you want to be respectful to your mother when you confront her about these annoying habits:

1. Always approach your mother, or anyone else who is of an overly inquiring mind for that matter, with respect. You do not want the person to feel rejected or angry after you make your requests.
2. Try to confront the person immediately after you see him or her performing the "nosy" action. Just like a pup or a child, it is important to confront immediately as to impart a good lesson. Bring up the situation a day later and you will surely hear, "I have never rifled through your mail!", etc.
3. Ask politely if there is a reason for such an action. If none is given, and surely one that is reasonable will not be, ask the person to come to you directly if he or she has a question about something. For example, if you find your mother rifling through your mail, ask her if she is looking for something specific in the pile and if so, ask her in the future if she wouldn't mind asking you first before doing her own research. Most likely, she will discontinue her behavior due to mild embarrassment. There is no valid reason (other than one's personal insecurities) for someone to go through someone else's mail, drawers, caller ID box list, etc. other than sheer curiosity and nosiness. Even if the person is your own sister and she is only looking for a magazine or other reading material for a rainy day, she should still come to you first to ask your permission to look through your magazines, catalogs, etc.
4. Respect the same for others. My husband and I have been married over 55 years and I have never opened a package or letter with his name on it. It all comes down to common courtesy and respect for others' privacy.

Dear reader, try the above and see it these simple tricks work. If not, the best next step is to prevent the temptation. For example, do not leave your mail or caller ID box within plain view on the kitchen counter. Dispense with mail and other such things in your home office. Keep your china stored away in a china cabinet rather than having it out in plain view. Keep the things that are causing a temptation for your mother out of sight! Remember the old adage, "out of sight, out of mind".

Good luck and please repost with your results!

Until next time...

HF

Do you have a question for Mrs. Fillmore? Please send an email to hildegardefillmore@hotmail.com.

Charm: How to be a Pleasant Houseguest

Dear Reader,

I thought that for to-day's lesson, I would follow up on my posting from yesterday regarding preparing for houseguests [Charm: How to Prepare for Houseguests]. What better topic to bring us full cirlcle, so let's get right to it!

Everyone likes to be a host to a pleasant houseguest. One sure way to be invited back to someone's home is to be just that. We are speaking now of being a popular overnight houseguest (we will address day visits in another post). Please follow these simple rules and a list of invitations will always be flooding your mail box:

1. Always respond in kind, and promptly, to any invitation to overnight at someone's home. This means, dear reader, that if you receive an invitation via post, you should respond with a letter, either stating your acceptance of your host's generous invitation, or passing on your regrets (always with a good explanation as to why you will not be able to keep her company that weekend). If you are invited via the telephone or by telegram, respond in kind. You simply must respond within a day or two as to not give your hostess the impression that you are trying to create a good excuse to not make the occasion!
2. Ensure that you provide your host with your travel arrangement information as soon as you have made your reservations, especially if you are having your host collect you at the airport or at the train. It is more considerate for you to hire a car to deliver you to your destination, but in some remote locations, a car is not always available.
3. Always bring a housewarming gift for your host. Even if you will only be visiting for one overnight, a gift is not only thoughtful, but required. You need not fret about your hostess's decor or china pattern; a simple gift is all that is needed: a fresh bouquet of flowers, some fine wine, or perhaps an item from one of your recent travel excursions abroad. Please do not use this occasion as an excuse to rid yourself of some ghastly present you have received from that tacky uncle of yours; save that for the next White Elephant exchange. You want to leave your hostess with a GOOD impression of your taste and charm.
4. Offer to help with the cooking, cleaning, and planning needs for the home. Of course, the polite hostess will refuse your help and ask you to relax, but the polite houseguest ALWAYS offers.
5. Plan to follow the agenda the host family has set. If they plan on taking in a game of tennis at noon followed by luncheon at the club, by all means, break out your whites and your appetite. Join the gang and have some fun along the way!
6. Even if you have a low tolerance for children and pets, make every effort to entertain these creatures while you are visiting. Bring gifts as well for them when you arrive. You will be remembered as a considerate and very thoughtful guest.
7. Retire early as to give your hosts a chance to have some relaxation time. It is work to properly host guests, and they might need some time to rejuvenate for the following day's tasks.
8. Maintain your quarters in good order: make your bed every day and keep your room neat and tidy.
9. Always come to table dressed properly, ready for the day. Never come to table in your bedclothes, regardless of the hour--my, what an error this is!
10. Before your stay has ended, offer to take your hosts out to dinner as a kind gesture. Make sure to pick an upscale restaurant to show your gratitude.
11. The time for you to bid adieu is when everyone is enjoying himself. You want your visit to seem too short to your hosts. Leave on an up-note and you will surely be invited back. Along these lines, Mr. Benjamin Franklin aptly stated, "fish and visitors stink after three days.".
12. Lastly, always send a handwritten thank you note within a few days of your departure, making special mention of specific activities or meals you have enjoyed. A follow up bouquet of flowers is also a nice touch.

Remember--soon it will be your turn to return the favor. Send an invitation to your hosts to come out for the weekend to your home within six months of your visit.

Well, dear reader, I hope that this post will help you on your way to being a pleasant houseguest. A myriad of invitations awaits you--take this opportunity to be the best you can be...for yourself and for others.

Until next time...

HF

Charm: How to Prepare for Houseguests

Dear Reader,

To-day's lesson is most appropriate as I am personally expecting houseguests for the weekend. What better time for me to instruct you on the ways of being a charming hostess than when the ideals are right at the forefront of my mind!

When you will be hosting friends or relatives, whether you are excited about the impending visit or not, it is your responsibility to create a warm and welcoming environment for your guests. This includes having your housework done and the home tidy, having a fresh appearance when your guests arrive (don't forget your lipstick!), and having a becoming personality to cheerfully greet your guests. Additionally, here are some tips for making your guests' visit special:

1. Always have fresh linens in the bedroom (wash the sheets and towels the day of your guests' arrival, unless they will be arriving very early in the morning). You may think that sheets washed on your weekly laundry day will stay fresh for the few days until your guests arrive. Not so, dear reader. Sheets will go stale as bread when left on an unused bed. If you have a ringer at home and the sheets will not be able to dry in time, by all means, send them out.
2. Select color coded towels and washcloths for your guests so their towels will not be confused with your personal towels in your bathroom. Provide for your guests a towel rack or other sort of hanging apparatus in the guest room for their towels to air dry after use.
3. Ensure that the room where you guests will be is in top order. A thorough cleaning is due the day before your guests arrive. Make sure to dust, vacuum, beat the rugs, and clean the mirrors and glass windows to a sparkling clean. Also, remove any children's toys or other items that would be out of order for your guests. Check to make sure that all of the fixtures are clean and have working bulbs. Clear the closet out entirely and provide padded hangers for your guests--it is a good idea to always keep the guest closet free of any items in the event you have last minute guests--you will always look prepared for company if you keep this habit!
4. Place some pretty little guest soaps in a crystal dish and place on the bureau. Any other beauty products you feel may be desired, some perfume, perhaps, may be placed within reach. An addition of some fine chocolates or mints is also a nice touch.
5. Provide a nice variety of reading material on the nightstand by the bed. This will occupy your guests when they are preparing to retire or are taking an afternoon rest.
6. Purchase some fresh flowers the day of your guests' arrival and place them in a nice vase with fresh water on the guest bureau. Who doesn't like to come into a room with fresh flowers?
7. Lastly, air out the guest room (as well as the rest of your house), even in winter, for a few hours before your guests' arrival. A fresh smelling house will ensure that everyone will sleep well!

Once your guests arrive, help them to settle in by asking your husband to take their luggage and by offering them some coffee, tea, and some light refreshments. Tea and cucumber sandwiches are quite lovely after a long motor journey. When mealtime comes, always try to prepare your guests' favorite dishes, and use your best finery. Use placecards at table to make your guests feel special and at home.

Well, dear reader, all that is needed now is your charming personality! It also would not hurt to let you guests win a few hands at bridge either...

Until next time...

HF

Dear Hildegarde: Your Questions Answered

Ms. Hilde,

I love your blog! so much good info. I really feel like after reading this, I could become a true lady. Do you know how to get rid of yellow nails which are due to always using darker polish?

Signed,
anonymous

Dear anonymous,

Oh dear--you must address this problem at once! I am so pleased that you came to me for your beauty advice.

Yellow-looking nails can be a result of a myriad of issues: poor health, nicotine stains from smoking, and the biggest offender--dark nail polish (even with base coat). Additionally, stained nails can also be the result of a lack of oxygen to the nail bed from constantly wearing nail polish! My suggestions to you are as follows:

Eat a healthy diet.

If you smoke, quit! Read my posting on smoking as this not only stains your nails, but detracts from your loveliness as well!

Discontinue use of nail polish completely for three weeks. You may use a nail buffer to remove the surface stains in the meantime, or of course, you may wear gloves. This time period will be the most difficult in your beauty enhancing program, especially if you are used to wearing polish regularly. But you simply must charge ahead if you want to look your best. Massage your hands and nails each night with a heavy cream (I recommend NIVEA creme) to promote increased circulation of the blood to this area.

Once your nails have whitened up again, and you would like to continue using polish, choose lighter shades and always wear a base coat. Darker polish is not as fashionable this season, so it will serve you well to "lighten up" a bit. Also, about once every six weeks, go one week with no polish to give your nails a chance to re-oxygenate.

Dear Reader, I would love for you to repost with your results!

Until next time...

HF

Do you have a question for Mrs. Fillmore? Please send an email to hildegardefillmore@hotmail.com.

Etiquette: Standing Up for Yourself

Dear Reader,

To-day let's speak about the importance of knowing when to stand up. Now, you are thinking to yourself, "I have never had this problem before"...but I ask you, dear reader, do you really know when it is appropriate to stand, that is, socially? I bet not. I look around today and see too many people just sitting when in polite circles, the appropriate gesture would be to stand. Here are some basic rules so you will always be correct:

1. A man always stands up when a lady enters or leaves a room or a table, at home or in restaurant. If at a restaurant, he should also offer her her chair when she returns. If a lady is at a table with other men at a restaurant and must take a brief leave, all of the men at the table should stand. A polite gesture by the lady, however, would be to say something like, "please, do not rise" if rising is difficult due to confined space.
2. All people of charm should rise from sitting when meeting someone new.
3. All people of charm should stand and greet guests and friends as they enter the room at either a private party or in a public place.
4. One should always stand when approached by someone senior to her, whether in age, importance, or corporate position, or when such a person enters the room. This also includes children, who should always stand when being addressed by an adult.
5. While in a restaurant, if an acquaintance comes over and visits one's table, everyone at the table should stop eating and rise to greet the acquaintance, whether he or she is personally known to them or not. No one at the table may resume eating until the acquaintance has left the area. Now, hopefully, the acquaintance understands proper decorum and will not keep the table waiting for more than a brief minute!

There are many other examples and I could go on. The important thing to remember is to always rise to greet, speak to, or meet someone, especially those of superior position. As this practice is so slovenly kept by many, if at all, please take heart, dear reader. You may feel awkward at first when you implement the charming habit of rising to your repertoire, but after a while, it will just come to you naturally. Your actions will be appreciated and you will always be thought of as polite and charming, at home and in business. Now that will make you stand out in a crowd!

Until next time...

HF