Dear Hildegarde: Your Questions Answered

Dear Hildegarde,

Your advice on photographs leads me to a question. What is proper etiquette concerning commenting on others' appearances in photos? If you run across a photo where someone does not, dare I say it, look their best, is it proper to speak to this matter? If it is proper, should it be done privately or in a public forum?

Signed,

Curious Casper

Dear Curious,

Thank you so very much for your post. I always appreciate when readers are spurred on to to other thoughts as a result of one of my lessons. Now, onto your query...

The theoretical lesson here is probably one that you have learned from your mother: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." A good lesson indeed; however, I do believe that although the intent of this phrase is to encourage us to speak well and positively of others, it does not necessarily preclude us from giving someone in a photo "a good ribbing" every now and then. I would state here that a rule for your question would be that comments or observations given in good humor (whether in public or private) are acceptable as long as they are given in such, not with ill intent, not too often, and as long as the recipient(s) of such comments would be of good sport and not overly sensitive to the subject of the comment at hand. For example, it you saw a photo of some friends whom you knew had some sensitivity to hair growth issues, you would never say something like, "Ed, why don't you lose the toupee...and while your at it, have your wife taken in for a lip waxing!" That would be very crass, very insensitive, and just outright cruel, especially if you made these comments in front of others.

Be a good judge of your intended recipients and act accordingly. Jocularity is taken well not only in the locker room at the county club, but also out in public. On the flip side, the deliverer of same comments should also be of good sport to receive a return observation!

I hope this helps you in your situation.

Until next time...

HF

Do you have a question for Mrs. Fillmore? Please send an email to hildegardefillmore@hotmail.com

Dear Hildegarde: Your Questions Answered

Dear Mrs. Fillmore,

My 17 year old daughter is going to her prom. She is adamant about not wearing stockings, and I am adamant that she will. She will be wearing a long formal dress and three-inch gold heels, toe out! She thinks that getting her toes done is sufficient.

My opinion is that it is a formal affair, with a male date in tuxedo, and that she should wear stockings.

What is the proper etiquette?

***

Dear Reader,

Thank you for writing in about your predicament. This is a difficult situation as there are strict rules to be followed here and at the same time, delicate feelings of a teenager which must be considered. In my day, we were covered from head to toe regardless of the time of day, so this would have never been a question; however, times have changed, so let's take a look together at the options placed before us.

Since I do consider myself an authority on these matters, I feel that I also have the authority to bend the rules slightly. We do need to be aware of what is happening in the teen world; however, if charm or modesty would be compromised, if your daughter wanted to wear a plunging neckline, an open midsection, or a short dress for example, I would be ever so strict about your daughter's costume. This situation is a little different as the dress is of the proper formal floor length, covering anything delicate, including the knees and ankles. As much as I am personally aghast at the lack of stockings in fashion today, I feel it may be acceptable to allow your daughter to go without for this one occasion, especially if teen fashion so dictates. I must tell you that if you insist upon her wearing them, they will be removed as soon as you are out of sight anyway, so letting your daughter know that you care about her feelings by allowing this one exception will do wonders for your relationship. However, please do instruct her on the proper etiquette of stockings (basically ALWAYS wearing them) hence forward. Now, before we leave this topic, it would be wise for your daughter to wear bloomers underneath her dress, just down to the knee. This will prevent any "peek-a-boo" issues should she trip and fall or be twirling around on the dance floor.

Additionally, I congratulate your daughter's acknowledgment that a pedicure is most necessary here. One should never wear open-toed shoes or sandals without having a pedicure.

I hope this advice assists you with your quandary. Best of everything and have a wonderful prom!

Until next time...

HF

Do you have a question for Mrs. Fillmore? Please send an email to hildegardefillmore@hotmail.com

Etiquette: Weddings, Weddings Everywhere...But What Gift Shall I Bring?

Dear Reader,

I was at my spa the other day when I overheard some ladies discussing what one of them, despite the fact that she could not attend the wedding, should send to the bride as a gift. The next statement made me swoon--the lady said, "I think I will send her a check". Now ladies, one does not ever send a check as a gift. That type of gesture is barely one at all and simply states, "You aren't worth the time it will take to select the proper gift for this special occasion." Hear this, ladies: sending money as a wedding gift is simply vulgar. I dare say that if you have ever done this, you should phone the bride immediately and apologize, even if she married thirty years ago.

Here are some parameters for a proper wedding gift. How much you spend is up to you, but at least you can note for yourself what a proper gift entails (a proper gift is always sent BEFORE the wedding to the bride, not brought to the event):

Wedding Shower: linens, every day china, every day utensils, small kitchen appliances (toaster, food processor, etc.)
Wedding: crystal, china, sterling, heirloom furniture pieces

It matters not that a couple starting out may have little funds. If you, ignoring my sound advice, send a check, know that it will be spent to pay bills and other debts, not used to purchase a special something to remind them of their wedding day, nor to remember the giver. It is up to us, dear reader, to educate the younger set in the ways of finery and the only way they will learn is if we assist by providing some of their crystal, china, and sterling for them. Most younger people of today will not go out and purchase these items for themselves, but they are simply required when one enters society and begins to host dinner parties, committee meetings, and garden luncheons. Should we be remiss in this area, you might see the lady of tomorrow serving the First Lady of the United States on a paper plate!

That is all for today, dear reader.

Until next time...

HF

Do you have a question for Mrs. Fillmore? Please send an email to hildegardefillmore@hotmail.com.

Beauty: A Picture Lasts 1000 Years

Dear Reader,

To-day we will be discussing the value of photographs and the importance of you looking your best in each and every one. You must remember, dear, that others will be seeing these pictorial representations of you whether tomorrow or in a hundred years, and you always want to be remembered at your most charming and beautiful you. Now, if you are a regular reader of my column and subscriber to my advice, you will always be ready to be photographed. However, here are some tips for your diary:

1. Always look presentable regardless of whether or not you plan on being photographed. Don't leave your home without having bathed and dressed tastefully and properly, in age appropriate clothing, of course. Make sure your hair and makeup are pleasing as well.
2. Don't forget to bring along your perky disposition, smiling and sparkling during each moment of the day.

If you follow the above tips, you will be ready for any picture, whether posed or candid. Additionally, only save and/or distribute those photos of yourself which show you in your best light. Any photos which render you unattractive or in an unflattering pose should be destroyed immediately. You want your descendants to respect you and feel that their ancestors were well received by society, not on their way to a beach party or garage sale. Let your collage be flawless and the memory of you be cherished.

Until next time...

HF

Do you have a question for Mrs. Fillmore? Please send an email to hildegardefillmore@hotmail.com.